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“The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.” -Edgar Watson Howe

Secrets can stir inside a person forever, and it’s not until that secret is released that you feel some sort of relief. Sometimes they’re our own secrets, or we may be keeping the secrets of others. Getting a secret off your chest feels great, but it ends up becoming someone else’s secret to keep.

Then there’s PostSecret, a site that started out as a social experiment by a guy named Frank. Strangers sent him their secrets on a postcard, and he published them anonymously on a blog. People around the globe began submitting secrets to Frank, allowing everyone the chance to air their dirty laundry without jeopardizing their identities. And best of all, we (the web-goers) can read those secrets and laugh/cry/sympathize with the creators of those mysterious cards.

PostSecret is now a traveling roadshow of sorts, with museums and cultural centers hosting exhibits worldwide. This weekend, I attended the PostSecret exhibit at Syracuse’s Everson Museum of Art with a fellow Untied journalist. As we walked among the walls of postcards, we took note of the many themes repeating throughout. We couldn’t help but notice the universal nature of heartbreak. Divorce came up quite a few times, specifically. I thought you’d appreciate some of the “secrets” we read about love lost:

“You broke up with me. I pissed in your sauces.”

“I think I would feel better if I shoved his clubs up his ASS.” [Photo of golf clubs in the background.]

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m sorry.”

“You promised never to do what my ex did… he would go online and cyber with women… you’ve never done that, you go online and cyber with men.”

“I knew it was a mistake on our honeymoon. I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to leave. 9 yrs later (+2 kids) we’re still together.”

“Johnny Depp is the name of my vibrator!”

“I feel trapped in my perfect relationship.”

Have a secret you’d like to share? Tell Frank–quite possibly the world, too–by mailing your postcard to:

PostSecret
13345 Copper Ridge Road
Germantown, Maryland 20874

-SJ

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Today, we learn that a “bad start is half of the failure” from Usher’s divorce case.

“In my mind, Usher and I are still married.”

photo courtesy of egyptsaidso.com

photo courtesy of egyptsaidso.com

Although Tameka Foster, Usher’s estranged wife, talked about her marriage with hope to the media, it seemed the marriage between the stylist and the R&B singer is getting closer and closer to an end.

The couple’s marriage was a mess from the very beginning. In 2007, they cancelled the more luxurious wedding ceremony at first, and got married secretly and quietly. At that time, rumors spread, including the most important one – Usher’s mother disagreed with the marriage.

The bad start was definitely a bad sign. Now, Usher has filed for divorce, and the news report showed the couple has been separated for a year. And don’t forget, they’ve only been married about two years. What made Usher give up in this marriage so quickly? He hasn’t spoken. But to his friends and fans, it seems they don’t feel surprised at all.

In the news report, a friend of theirs said, “No one I’ve spoken to is surprised.” Another friend said the couple had “a troubled marriage that started unraveling even before their wedding.” She said Usher wasn’t ready to settle down, at least not with Foster.

Foster’s newly hired attorney Randy Kessler said Foster has been a loyal wife, but apparently loyalty isn’t enough for a successful marriage. Now, the war is just in the beginning. Let it burn…let it burn…

-Amy Su

Today we learn:

  1. A dairy pun, is just way too much fun, but not as much as rhyming.
  2. Divorce is easy over text message. Cowardly, but hey, humans have proved over centuries that they can live with that.

Kelis’ milkshake brought Nas to the yard, but couldn’t keep him there.


photo credit: blackdiamondent.files.wordpress.com

What’s worse, Nas has milked the cow for two years, and now he wants an udder. “The first one got too cheesy,” he moos. Well Kelis isn’t taking that squatting on all fours, because damn right, her milkshake is better than yours… Okay. All these dairy puns are giving me a headache. To tell you the whole story in a milk carton, Kelis claims she has no money and is suing soon-to-be-ex-husband, rapper Nas, for not forking over spousal and child support, especially since there is a bun in her oven – that’s right, soon they’ll hear the pitter patter of tiny calf feet, running across the floor of her yard… So, clearly, once you start with the dairy puns, you can’t stop.

I wnt 2 dvorce u, bcoz u suk


photo credit: imageshack.us

A recent survey revealed that mobile phone consumers think it’s okay to break major news over text message – including divorce. Let’s take a moment to be thankful for technology, clasp our hands together and sing Kumbaya, because now we can now all be lily-livered weasels that do the hard things in life via text. Soon text messages like the following ones will become a regular occurence – “drlin, drpped bby on hed, in hosp, u tk cr.” And “swthrt, rnning away wid plmber, tking ur mney, XOXO,” or even the worst sin mankind can commit – “hney, ate lst pice of choc ck. Luv yu.” Hey, don’t judge our cowardice, it’s the tech geek’s fault that they’ve made it so easy for us to get away with all sorts of, you know, fkery – except for the last one. People who eat the last piece of your chocolate cake should just be flogged to death. No one should be allowed to get away with that. No. One.

– Anuya Jakatdar

We’ve all done it. You’re driving in your car, a song you love comes on and you’re in another world. All of a sudden you’re playing lead guitar for Lynyrd Skynyrd, cranking out the solo to “Free Bird.” You’re Deborah Harry fronting Blondie at CBGB’s in the 70s. Well a certified divorce counselor and divorce author known only as “Cathy” took that one step further. Check out this post on her blog.

Lady Gaga

If you’re into the whole brevity thing Ill give you the basics. She was on her way home from a meeting with her divorce lawyer and was not exactly feeling bubbly. So she got into her minivan and the current radio monster “Pokerface” by Lady Gaga came on. Apparently “Cathy” was completely overtaken. Check this out:

At one point in my drive I had to stop at a red light. But my real-life dancing continued. Two city workers roadside turned and looked at my van (they must have heard the base). I nonchalantly ignored them. That’s right boys, I thought, that loud music you hear is coming from a minivan. They and the other drivers didn’t know it, but they were in the proximity of a Wild Woman/ Raging Diva/ Dance Goddess and she’d decided that 3:30 p.m. was the time to spew her fire.

Wow. Government workers be warned, middle aged authors get “in the zone” when sexually charged dance pop comes on the radio. If “I’m bluffin’ with my muffin/I’m not lying I’m just stunnin’ with my love-glue-gunning” is all it takes fire up a divorcee then I’m all for an Orwellian style monitoring of the airwaves. The idea of “Poker Face” charged “wild women” vigorously piloting minivans is danger greater than us all.

In all seriousness, Cathy is a divorcee who also writes the divorce column for About.com, a site that doesnt let any old slob write for them. If Cathy, a life coach, could find such a moving, overtaking experience with Lady Gaga then why cant you find your own musical therapy? Find your own “Poker Face” and step on the gas of your minivan.

Josh Kruk

Today’s divorce trend:

Japanese men really need to rethink their attitude…

Traditionally, Japanese wives treat their husbands too well that they act as servants in the house. Usually most of them will live better lives after their husbands retire because they finally can stop treating their husbands like emperors. But by then they are old and have done so much for most of their lives.

Now, it seems the perfect wives get tired quicker. The news reported Japanese women are more optimistic than men about the life after divorce. The survey showed that Japanese women of all ages think no matter when they get divorced, they can start a beautiful new life. They also said one of the advantages of divorce is the increase of time for themselves.

The survey also showed that most of Japanese men can’t think of anything good about divorce. We don’t doubt why they feel like this. After all, if you can have a free servant to serve you for dozens of years, who will give up this “welfare?”

So be careful, guys! Don’t take anything for granted if you don’t want to lose your marriage.

–Amy Su

Today, we learn a social networking principle:

image source: time.com

image source: time.com

Never add your ex as a Facebook friend!

Time magazine reported an angry woman’s revenge story. Her husband wanted a divorce, so she wrote on his Facebook wall, embarrassing him by making the divorce public to her husband’s Facebook friends. Even after he asked her to stop, she continued. After he blocked her, she started to use their mutual friends’ account to enter in his page.

In this case, it might be just emotional annoyance but it seems the divorce lawyers start to pay attention to the rival’s Facebook page. When you feel safe to express your true feelings on your Facebook wall, you might get into big trouble! Your every little action on it might become huge evidence in court, especially when you’re fighting for money or custody.

So, Time magazine posted a reminder to make divorced couples know what to avoid doing on Facebook. This includes no venting, no getting tagged, no showing off, etc, simply do what we do every day on it.

My suggestion: Just close your Facebook account directly! I mean it!

–Amy Su

Today, we learn:

That it’s okay to break the routine from time to time.

It gets boring and predictable if you do the same thing every time, so instead of telling you about celebs that are getting a divorce, I’ve decided to tell you about celebs that SHOULD get a divorce. I’m doing this for purely altruistic reasons–society should be protected from the IQ destroying antics of certain celeb couples.

So here goes:

Speidi. Like you didn’t expect me to put them in here first.

photo credit: tv.popcrunch.com

Why? If you don’t know who Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are, send me the address of the rock you’ve been living under – I’d like to crawl in there with you, if you don’t mind, and bask in the glory of a Speidi-free universe, where random baptisms in Costa Rica rivers by a Baldwin brother and declarations of true love over gastric ulcers don’t take place.

How do we break them up? That’s easy. Introduce Pratt to Paris Hilton. She will fall in love with him just because he is another TV starlet’s lovah (Chad Michael Murray, Rick Soloman) and then, after she has done her thing, dump him into the black hole of oblivion, like she does all her boyfriends. Ever heard of Heuwy Crawler? Exactly.

TomKat. Even though they haven’t been as annoying lately.

Why? Because, as a staunch Pastafarian, I consider Scientology to be a personal threat to my beliefs. Also, Katie Holmes’ shameless use of Suri as a paparazzi magnet sickens me, and I want to see what Tom Cruise will jump on the next time he finds “true love”. Hopefully, a bed of nails.

How? Hypnotize Holmes and convert her to Pastafarianism, then use her as a mole in the Scientology camp. On the day of the epic battle, send the Flying Spaghetti Monster to fight Xenu. Broadcast the fight exclusively on Untied.com and make tons of money off it. Wait… this was about breaking TomKat up. Hmmmm… I got it! Once Cruise knows what Holmes has done, he will leave her. Easy-peasy.

Also:

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin – Because apart from naming their children Apple and Moses, they haven’t done ANYTHING exciting. Where are our drunken public spats? Where are our allegations of homosexuality? Such celebrities shouldn’t be allowed to get married!

K-Fed and Brit-Brit – I know, I know, they are divorced already, but just in order to re-iterate what a good idea that is, I’d ask them to remarry just so that they can get divorced again.
A couple that should never divorce:

Brangelina, because I’m hoping they’d adopt me as the Indian representative in the Mini UN they’re creating at their home, and I’d be able to pay off my grad school loans.

-Anuya Jakatdar

Yes, I know. Lists and countdowns are cliche on their own but after I stumbled across another list today I simply could not sit back and do nothing.

The website sassypinkpeppers.com provides a spot for divorced women to band together and offer support. That’s awesome, no issues there. However the music list they provided for their readers is as predictable and tired as it gets. Check it out here

It pretty much made up the entire top 3 list for me, but Ill narrow it down.

3. Anything by Whitney Houston
: Yes she has the gold records but when you’re feeling down do you really wanna turn to a woman whose drug hazed sham marriage to Bobby Brown was broadcast on national TV? When she said “Didn’t We Almost Have It All?” was she singing about a person or the 8 Ball she bought the night before? Thanks Whitney, but its time for you to go.

2.  “Stronger” by Britney Spears: I don’t plan on diving into Britney’s history, you can turn on E! right now and I’m sure there’s a story about her kicking a squirrel or something.   But just listen to this song and consider her past and tell me that you actually believe she’s stronger than she was the day before?  Her spiraling trainwreck of a life is an unparalleled body of work and in a court of law, even the OJ jury wouldn’t be fooled that Britney’s problems are a mile away.

Apparently “Britney TV” doesnt allow you to embed her videos so click here if you want to see it.

1.  “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. I’m pretty sure song writing duo Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris (Gaynor didn’t even write the damn song) were Nostradamus levels of clairvoyant since this song was tailor made for ladies night at a Karaoke bar.  The song has been done to death and the fact that its still kicking around shows that someone else needs to step up and write the next big “I’m ok without you” anthem.  At least this time we’ll all be spared the disco beat (at least I hope to God that’s the case).

(Dis) Honorable Mention: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper, “Dancing Queen” by Abba, “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar” by Helen Reddy.

-Josh Kruk

Yesterday, San Francisco Chronicle reported that another celebrity marriage sank like the Titanic. In this case, Barry Bonds is the ship.

 

image source: nydailynews.com

image source: nydailynews.com

This year has definitely not been Bonds’ year. No MLB contract signed for him to play in the field again and nobody has forgetten the rumors about him taking banned drugs. And now his wife, Liz Watson, has filed for official separation, meaning their 10-year marriage is nearing its end.

This is Bonds’ second marriage. The couple got together after his first divorce in 1994 (coincidence?), and got married in 1998. According to a People magazine interview in 2007, the former Giants slugger touted the strength of his marriage after the indictment that he lied to a federal grand jury investigating steroid use.

“She has to know your entire resume,” said Bonds. “We both know each other’s flaws and are committed.”

Apparently, she still knows too much.

It took six years for the court to rule in Bonds’ favor over a prenuptial agreement that denied his first wife Susann (Sun) Branco to share his fortune.

How long would it take this time? We don’t know yet. But what we can be sure of is Bonds isn’t like Mel Gibson, who said “who would do it twice?”

–Amy Su

Today, we learn:

  1. Places don’t appreciate being walked all over.
  2. Talking about a faux celeb couple with eight children getting divorced is not as much fun as a one half of a faux celeb couple being baptized in a river in Costa Rica and the other half being hospitalized for a gastric ulcer, but since this is a divorce blog, we’ll talk about the former.

 

Towns have feelings too. When you snub them, they divorce you.

image source: s.wsj.net

The town of Wallingford, England has decided to divorce its twin Luxeuil-les-Bains, France. (And you thought human beings had sole claim over that realm.) For the sake of simplicity, we’ll call them Wally and Lux. So Wally and Lux met one day many years after the Second World War, and decided it would be better to buddy up and encourage a mixing of culture – you know, you bring the hot burlesque dancers, we’ll bring the Scotch. Together, they managed to share and share alike for 30 years, until recently, when Lux started to ignore Wally, and his feelings were hurt. Wally wanted to play soccer with Lux, send exchange students, and even a Christmas card, but Lux snubbed Wally claiming that she had better things to do. Broken-hearted, Wally decided to divorce Lux. Today is therefore a sad day for twin towns all over the world. (Coming Soon to Untied – Marital counseling sessions for twin towns all over the world. Are you a citizen of a twin town? Do you have grievances, and feel like no one is willing to listen to you? Call us! For a paltry $78/ minute, we’ll help you through these difficult times. Untied Magazine Twin Town Counseling Sessions – you can rely on us.)

 

Jon and Kate plus the dreaded ‘D’-word.

image source: evilbeetgossip.film.com

What’s that we hear? Choke! Gag! Gasp! Jon and Kate are approaching… no, no, don’t say it… divorce lawyers? You mean their marriage is falling apart? You could’ve fooled me. I mean, I know that Jon went to that nightclub with that nice girl, but I’m sure they were just friends. And Kate’s bodyguard was just that… a bodyguard. She needs a bodyguard, you know, going to the beach in these economic times is such a dangerous thing. I hear that the sand there, it’s uh, really itchy these days.

-anuya j