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Today, we learn that a “bad start is half of the failure” from Usher’s divorce case.

“In my mind, Usher and I are still married.”

photo courtesy of egyptsaidso.com

photo courtesy of egyptsaidso.com

Although Tameka Foster, Usher’s estranged wife, talked about her marriage with hope to the media, it seemed the marriage between the stylist and the R&B singer is getting closer and closer to an end.

The couple’s marriage was a mess from the very beginning. In 2007, they cancelled the more luxurious wedding ceremony at first, and got married secretly and quietly. At that time, rumors spread, including the most important one – Usher’s mother disagreed with the marriage.

The bad start was definitely a bad sign. Now, Usher has filed for divorce, and the news report showed the couple has been separated for a year. And don’t forget, they’ve only been married about two years. What made Usher give up in this marriage so quickly? He hasn’t spoken. But to his friends and fans, it seems they don’t feel surprised at all.

In the news report, a friend of theirs said, “No one I’ve spoken to is surprised.” Another friend said the couple had “a troubled marriage that started unraveling even before their wedding.” She said Usher wasn’t ready to settle down, at least not with Foster.

Foster’s newly hired attorney Randy Kessler said Foster has been a loyal wife, but apparently loyalty isn’t enough for a successful marriage. Now, the war is just in the beginning. Let it burn…let it burn…

-Amy Su

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Today we learn:

  1. A dairy pun, is just way too much fun, but not as much as rhyming.
  2. Divorce is easy over text message. Cowardly, but hey, humans have proved over centuries that they can live with that.

Kelis’ milkshake brought Nas to the yard, but couldn’t keep him there.


photo credit: blackdiamondent.files.wordpress.com

What’s worse, Nas has milked the cow for two years, and now he wants an udder. “The first one got too cheesy,” he moos. Well Kelis isn’t taking that squatting on all fours, because damn right, her milkshake is better than yours… Okay. All these dairy puns are giving me a headache. To tell you the whole story in a milk carton, Kelis claims she has no money and is suing soon-to-be-ex-husband, rapper Nas, for not forking over spousal and child support, especially since there is a bun in her oven – that’s right, soon they’ll hear the pitter patter of tiny calf feet, running across the floor of her yard… So, clearly, once you start with the dairy puns, you can’t stop.

I wnt 2 dvorce u, bcoz u suk


photo credit: imageshack.us

A recent survey revealed that mobile phone consumers think it’s okay to break major news over text message – including divorce. Let’s take a moment to be thankful for technology, clasp our hands together and sing Kumbaya, because now we can now all be lily-livered weasels that do the hard things in life via text. Soon text messages like the following ones will become a regular occurence – “drlin, drpped bby on hed, in hosp, u tk cr.” And “swthrt, rnning away wid plmber, tking ur mney, XOXO,” or even the worst sin mankind can commit – “hney, ate lst pice of choc ck. Luv yu.” Hey, don’t judge our cowardice, it’s the tech geek’s fault that they’ve made it so easy for us to get away with all sorts of, you know, fkery – except for the last one. People who eat the last piece of your chocolate cake should just be flogged to death. No one should be allowed to get away with that. No. One.

– Anuya Jakatdar

Today’s divorce trend:

Japanese men really need to rethink their attitude…

Traditionally, Japanese wives treat their husbands too well that they act as servants in the house. Usually most of them will live better lives after their husbands retire because they finally can stop treating their husbands like emperors. But by then they are old and have done so much for most of their lives.

Now, it seems the perfect wives get tired quicker. The news reported Japanese women are more optimistic than men about the life after divorce. The survey showed that Japanese women of all ages think no matter when they get divorced, they can start a beautiful new life. They also said one of the advantages of divorce is the increase of time for themselves.

The survey also showed that most of Japanese men can’t think of anything good about divorce. We don’t doubt why they feel like this. After all, if you can have a free servant to serve you for dozens of years, who will give up this “welfare?”

So be careful, guys! Don’t take anything for granted if you don’t want to lose your marriage.

–Amy Su

Today, we learn a social networking principle:

image source: time.com

image source: time.com

Never add your ex as a Facebook friend!

Time magazine reported an angry woman’s revenge story. Her husband wanted a divorce, so she wrote on his Facebook wall, embarrassing him by making the divorce public to her husband’s Facebook friends. Even after he asked her to stop, she continued. After he blocked her, she started to use their mutual friends’ account to enter in his page.

In this case, it might be just emotional annoyance but it seems the divorce lawyers start to pay attention to the rival’s Facebook page. When you feel safe to express your true feelings on your Facebook wall, you might get into big trouble! Your every little action on it might become huge evidence in court, especially when you’re fighting for money or custody.

So, Time magazine posted a reminder to make divorced couples know what to avoid doing on Facebook. This includes no venting, no getting tagged, no showing off, etc, simply do what we do every day on it.

My suggestion: Just close your Facebook account directly! I mean it!

–Amy Su

Today, we learn:

That it’s okay to break the routine from time to time.

It gets boring and predictable if you do the same thing every time, so instead of telling you about celebs that are getting a divorce, I’ve decided to tell you about celebs that SHOULD get a divorce. I’m doing this for purely altruistic reasons–society should be protected from the IQ destroying antics of certain celeb couples.

So here goes:

Speidi. Like you didn’t expect me to put them in here first.

photo credit: tv.popcrunch.com

Why? If you don’t know who Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are, send me the address of the rock you’ve been living under – I’d like to crawl in there with you, if you don’t mind, and bask in the glory of a Speidi-free universe, where random baptisms in Costa Rica rivers by a Baldwin brother and declarations of true love over gastric ulcers don’t take place.

How do we break them up? That’s easy. Introduce Pratt to Paris Hilton. She will fall in love with him just because he is another TV starlet’s lovah (Chad Michael Murray, Rick Soloman) and then, after she has done her thing, dump him into the black hole of oblivion, like she does all her boyfriends. Ever heard of Heuwy Crawler? Exactly.

TomKat. Even though they haven’t been as annoying lately.

Why? Because, as a staunch Pastafarian, I consider Scientology to be a personal threat to my beliefs. Also, Katie Holmes’ shameless use of Suri as a paparazzi magnet sickens me, and I want to see what Tom Cruise will jump on the next time he finds “true love”. Hopefully, a bed of nails.

How? Hypnotize Holmes and convert her to Pastafarianism, then use her as a mole in the Scientology camp. On the day of the epic battle, send the Flying Spaghetti Monster to fight Xenu. Broadcast the fight exclusively on Untied.com and make tons of money off it. Wait… this was about breaking TomKat up. Hmmmm… I got it! Once Cruise knows what Holmes has done, he will leave her. Easy-peasy.

Also:

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin – Because apart from naming their children Apple and Moses, they haven’t done ANYTHING exciting. Where are our drunken public spats? Where are our allegations of homosexuality? Such celebrities shouldn’t be allowed to get married!

K-Fed and Brit-Brit – I know, I know, they are divorced already, but just in order to re-iterate what a good idea that is, I’d ask them to remarry just so that they can get divorced again.
A couple that should never divorce:

Brangelina, because I’m hoping they’d adopt me as the Indian representative in the Mini UN they’re creating at their home, and I’d be able to pay off my grad school loans.

-Anuya Jakatdar

Yesterday, San Francisco Chronicle reported that another celebrity marriage sank like the Titanic. In this case, Barry Bonds is the ship.

 

image source: nydailynews.com

image source: nydailynews.com

This year has definitely not been Bonds’ year. No MLB contract signed for him to play in the field again and nobody has forgetten the rumors about him taking banned drugs. And now his wife, Liz Watson, has filed for official separation, meaning their 10-year marriage is nearing its end.

This is Bonds’ second marriage. The couple got together after his first divorce in 1994 (coincidence?), and got married in 1998. According to a People magazine interview in 2007, the former Giants slugger touted the strength of his marriage after the indictment that he lied to a federal grand jury investigating steroid use.

“She has to know your entire resume,” said Bonds. “We both know each other’s flaws and are committed.”

Apparently, she still knows too much.

It took six years for the court to rule in Bonds’ favor over a prenuptial agreement that denied his first wife Susann (Sun) Branco to share his fortune.

How long would it take this time? We don’t know yet. But what we can be sure of is Bonds isn’t like Mel Gibson, who said “who would do it twice?”

–Amy Su

Today, we learn:

  1. Places don’t appreciate being walked all over.
  2. Talking about a faux celeb couple with eight children getting divorced is not as much fun as a one half of a faux celeb couple being baptized in a river in Costa Rica and the other half being hospitalized for a gastric ulcer, but since this is a divorce blog, we’ll talk about the former.

 

Towns have feelings too. When you snub them, they divorce you.

image source: s.wsj.net

The town of Wallingford, England has decided to divorce its twin Luxeuil-les-Bains, France. (And you thought human beings had sole claim over that realm.) For the sake of simplicity, we’ll call them Wally and Lux. So Wally and Lux met one day many years after the Second World War, and decided it would be better to buddy up and encourage a mixing of culture – you know, you bring the hot burlesque dancers, we’ll bring the Scotch. Together, they managed to share and share alike for 30 years, until recently, when Lux started to ignore Wally, and his feelings were hurt. Wally wanted to play soccer with Lux, send exchange students, and even a Christmas card, but Lux snubbed Wally claiming that she had better things to do. Broken-hearted, Wally decided to divorce Lux. Today is therefore a sad day for twin towns all over the world. (Coming Soon to Untied – Marital counseling sessions for twin towns all over the world. Are you a citizen of a twin town? Do you have grievances, and feel like no one is willing to listen to you? Call us! For a paltry $78/ minute, we’ll help you through these difficult times. Untied Magazine Twin Town Counseling Sessions – you can rely on us.)

 

Jon and Kate plus the dreaded ‘D’-word.

image source: evilbeetgossip.film.com

What’s that we hear? Choke! Gag! Gasp! Jon and Kate are approaching… no, no, don’t say it… divorce lawyers? You mean their marriage is falling apart? You could’ve fooled me. I mean, I know that Jon went to that nightclub with that nice girl, but I’m sure they were just friends. And Kate’s bodyguard was just that… a bodyguard. She needs a bodyguard, you know, going to the beach in these economic times is such a dangerous thing. I hear that the sand there, it’s uh, really itchy these days.

-anuya j

Today, we learn a new trend about money and divorce from the news:

Be prepared to welcome your ex-husband (wife) as your new roommate!

We all know the current recession makes life difficult, but now divorcing couples might be forced to live under the same roof because of economic hardship.

Horrible, isn’t it?

It’s not only torture for themselves, but it’s a tough situation for their children and family.

Furthermore, when the battle starts in court, huge bills come. The news story shows a couple who divorced two years ago after 27 years of marriage. So far, the legal bills cost the man $400,000, and the process can go on for 10 more years.

Apparently, celebrities are never bothered by the money issue. Mel Gibson is a good example. His ex-wife Robyn might be getting about $900 million, half of Gibson’s fortune. News reports also claim she would obtain a huge portion of cash tied up in real estate.

photo credit: google images

photo credit: google images

I don’t see Gibson feeling anything about paying. What he probably cares more about is his freedom and his new girlfriend (plus a baby). It’s a completely different world to ordinary people.

So, never think of divorce or be rich! And if you are getting divorced, be ready for your new “roommate.”

–Amy Su

Today, we learn it’s not so easy to marry a prince, especially when the prince has some abnormal sex habits. Let’s read the case below:

Marrying a prince is like a fairy tale, but what if he treats you like a sex slave?!

Last year, when Manohara Odelia Pino got married to  the prince of Malaysia’s Kelantan state, it was like a dream come true. But she returned to her family in Indonesia with tales of abuse, rape and torture, all by her husband.

girl

Pino was Indonesia’s supermodel. Now, she’s full of scars, both mentally and physically.

“Sexual abuse and sexual harassment were like a daily routine for me, and he did that every time I did not want to have sexual intercourse,” she was quoted as saying in The Jakarta Globe

When a fairy tale becomes a porn flick, what else can the princess do?  The answer: file for divorce! It seems to be the best solution. After all, who can bear to go from princess to a porn star?

–Amy Su

Today, we learn:

1)   Having divorced parents doesn’t make you weird. But naming your elbows? Yeah, we don’t know about that…

2)   Ten things about divorce that married women will either appreciate, or roll their eyes at.

photo credit: amazon.com

photo credit: amazon.com

You’re weird son, just like everyone else…

Billy Cochran’s book about a child of divorce named Ted called My Parents Are Divorced, My Elbows Have Nicknames, and Other Facts About Me may be exactly what we need to take a positive spin on the concept. I mean sure, Ted names his elbows Clyde and Carl. Sure, he occasionally likes to squawk like a chicken on the phone (something I may have done one or two or 13 times when I was a wee child of um, 21. *whistles*) Sure, he likes to wander around with soap in his head. But he is still just a boy, and someone most children with divorced parents can identify with. So, buy this one for your kids, and let them know that they are loved, while you sob into a handkerchief because you are so overcome with emotion.

photo credit: stock.xchng

photo credit: stock.xchng

Five things I know about divorce

Forbes has a list of five things every married woman should know about divorce. But since we’re Untied, and we have our own way of doing things, I have a list of five things too. See which one works better for you (PICK ME! PICK ME!)

  1. Divorce in the English language comes from the Latin word “divertere” which technically, TECHNICALLY means to “leave your husband”.  Ha. Not leave your “wife,” your “husband.” Let me do this right again. HA!
  2. In other languages, divorce goes by the pseudonym of “talaq,” “divorcio,” and “Scheidung.” Dung, is right!
  3. Don’t hire a divorce lawyer. Save that money, go to the Middle-East, and then do what the Middle-Eastern people do – buy an island!
  4. Untied is the best magazine for divorced women. WORD!
  5. All of the sentences here end in exclamation marks. Except this one… Not!

Okay, so those may not be the most useful, but at least they are fun. For real benefits, you may want to hit the Forbes list (and the rest of the Untied website, there’s tons of good tips to be followed.)

-Anuya