Today, we learn:

That it’s okay to break the routine from time to time.

It gets boring and predictable if you do the same thing every time, so instead of telling you about celebs that are getting a divorce, I’ve decided to tell you about celebs that SHOULD get a divorce. I’m doing this for purely altruistic reasons–society should be protected from the IQ destroying antics of certain celeb couples.

So here goes:

Speidi. Like you didn’t expect me to put them in here first.

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Why? If you don’t know who Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are, send me the address of the rock you’ve been living under – I’d like to crawl in there with you, if you don’t mind, and bask in the glory of a Speidi-free universe, where random baptisms in Costa Rica rivers by a Baldwin brother and declarations of true love over gastric ulcers don’t take place.

How do we break them up? That’s easy. Introduce Pratt to Paris Hilton. She will fall in love with him just because he is another TV starlet’s lovah (Chad Michael Murray, Rick Soloman) and then, after she has done her thing, dump him into the black hole of oblivion, like she does all her boyfriends. Ever heard of Heuwy Crawler? Exactly.

TomKat. Even though they haven’t been as annoying lately.

Why? Because, as a staunch Pastafarian, I consider Scientology to be a personal threat to my beliefs. Also, Katie Holmes’ shameless use of Suri as a paparazzi magnet sickens me, and I want to see what Tom Cruise will jump on the next time he finds “true love”. Hopefully, a bed of nails.

How? Hypnotize Holmes and convert her to Pastafarianism, then use her as a mole in the Scientology camp. On the day of the epic battle, send the Flying Spaghetti Monster to fight Xenu. Broadcast the fight exclusively on and make tons of money off it. Wait… this was about breaking TomKat up. Hmmmm… I got it! Once Cruise knows what Holmes has done, he will leave her. Easy-peasy.


Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin – Because apart from naming their children Apple and Moses, they haven’t done ANYTHING exciting. Where are our drunken public spats? Where are our allegations of homosexuality? Such celebrities shouldn’t be allowed to get married!

K-Fed and Brit-Brit – I know, I know, they are divorced already, but just in order to re-iterate what a good idea that is, I’d ask them to remarry just so that they can get divorced again.
A couple that should never divorce:

Brangelina, because I’m hoping they’d adopt me as the Indian representative in the Mini UN they’re creating at their home, and I’d be able to pay off my grad school loans.

-Anuya Jakatdar